Well, the competition kicked off yesterday. I have to say that the kickoff meeting was a mixed bag for me. As someone who has lost a significant amount of weight - twice - I guess what I really don't need is for someone to tell me "Hey, you know, you really should eat more vegetables." (Then again, does ANYONE really need to be told that?)
It was more just something to get through so that I can get on down the road of losing weight.
They had a "motivational speaker" come talk to us. He's a guy who, by himself, went and lost over 100 pounds. Good for him! Don't get me wrong - I'm impressed. He really did it.
I guess there were just a few emotions that went through my mind while listening to him and the trainers.
1) The first emotion I was feeling: Annoyance. It seems like all of these people all just sit there giving me advice that I don't really need. I know what to do to lose weight. It's not knowledge I need. It's the fortitude to do it.
Yes, eating less and moving more will work. Every single time. Eating more fruits and vegetables (especially the veggies!) will make you eat fewer calories.
If you eat fewer calories than you burn, especially when you eat "clean" foods, you will lose weight. I really do know this.
What I do NOT know how to do, most apparently, is to keep weight off. How to change my relationship with food so that I'm not binge-eating all the time. How to turn down food most of the time. I need to be able to eat a treat here and there without going completely nuts.
And this is exactly what nobody has been able to help me with.
So this is why I'm annoyed. People who have never struggled with weight are telling me simplistic things about why I'm overweight. People who have no concept of what it is like to live with an eating disorder are trying to tell me simplistic things about how easy it is to lose weight. Perky people are solemnly telling me how high my BMI is, and one of them is even genuinely surprised when I actually understand what "visceral fat" means.
It feels condescending.
And yet...
And yet...
And yet I know, through all of it, that to a certain extent they are right. It's not that they think everyone besides themselves is stupid. It's just that there are so many who need to be told to eat vegetables. It's just that I was the first person, out of at least 15 before me, who actually did know the word "visceral."
So yeah, they are just doing their job. And I'm going to do mine. I'm going to go to the fitness meetings that I need to go to. I'm going to do the weigh-ins that I'm supposed to do. I'm going to win this freaking competition. Because in the end, it's all that I can do.
2) The next emotion I was feeling: Shame. As I was listening to "Mr 100 pounds down", I realized...that should be me. I should be that guy. I was Mr. 132 pounds down. Then, after going up again, I was back to Mr 84 pounds down (another total of about 115 from the highest.) And yet here I am again...back up at 329 pounds.
How am I here?
Two years ago...that's all it was...two years ago I had just started a 6 month weight loss competition. It only took 6 months after WINNING the competition to gain 75% back, another 6 months to gain the rest back, and another 6 months to be almost 30 pounds higher.
I sat there just wondering how it has come to this point YET AGAIN. It is hard not to just beat myself up over it.
And yet...
And yet...
And yet what else can I do but start where I am? All I can do is to move forward from here, or just give up. Honestly? I was feeling a bit like giving up yesterday morning before getting going with the competition. I actually may have started going down a pretty bad path had I not joined up.
So yeah, there's my venting. I'm doing well, but I'm worried about the future. This post has been some good therapy, but I really do know that I'm going to need a lot more before I can arrive at any good place - the place where I can keep the weight off, and the good habits on, and where I get a healthy relationship with food.
We'll see how it goes...
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