So far so good.

Well, the competition kicked off yesterday. I have to say that the kickoff meeting was a mixed bag for me. As someone who has lost a significant amount of weight - twice - I guess what I really don't need is for someone to tell me "Hey, you know, you really should eat more vegetables." (Then again, does ANYONE really need to be told that?)

It was more just something to get through so that I can get on down the road of losing weight.

They had a "motivational speaker" come talk to us. He's a guy who, by himself, went and lost over 100 pounds. Good for him! Don't get me wrong - I'm impressed. He really did it.

I guess there were just a few emotions that went through my mind while listening to him and the trainers.

1) The first emotion I was feeling: Annoyance. It seems like all of these people all just sit there giving me advice that I don't really need. I know what to do to lose weight. It's not knowledge I need. It's the fortitude to do it.

Yes, eating less and moving more will work. Every single time. Eating more fruits and vegetables (especially the veggies!) will make you eat fewer calories.

If you eat fewer calories than you burn, especially when you eat "clean" foods, you will lose weight. I really do know this.

What I do NOT know how to do, most apparently, is to keep weight off. How to change my relationship with food so that I'm not binge-eating all the time. How to turn down food most of the time. I need to be able to eat a treat here and there without going completely nuts.

And this is exactly what nobody has been able to help me with.

So this is why I'm annoyed. People who have never struggled with weight are telling me simplistic things about why I'm overweight. People who have no concept of what it is like to live with an eating disorder are trying to tell me simplistic things about how easy it is to lose weight. Perky people are solemnly telling me how high my BMI is, and one of them is even genuinely surprised when I actually understand what "visceral fat" means.

It feels condescending.

And yet...

And yet...

And yet I know, through all of it, that to a certain extent they are right. It's not that they think everyone besides themselves is stupid. It's just that there are so many who need to be told to eat vegetables. It's just that I was the first person, out of at least 15 before me, who actually did know the word "visceral."

So yeah, they are just doing their job. And I'm going to do mine. I'm going to go to the fitness meetings that I need to go to. I'm going to do the weigh-ins that I'm supposed to do. I'm going to win this freaking competition. Because in the end, it's all that I can do.

2) The next emotion I was feeling: Shame. As I was listening to "Mr 100 pounds down", I realized...that should be me. I should be that guy. I was Mr. 132 pounds down. Then, after going up again, I was back to Mr 84 pounds down (another total of about 115 from the highest.) And yet here I am again...back up at 329 pounds.

How am I here?

Two years ago...that's all it was...two years ago I had just started a 6 month weight loss competition. It only took 6 months after WINNING the competition to gain 75% back, another 6 months to gain the rest back, and another 6 months to be almost 30 pounds higher.

I sat there just wondering how it has come to this point YET AGAIN. It is hard not to just beat myself up over it.

And yet...

And yet...

And yet what else can I do but start where I am? All I can do is to move forward from here, or just give up. Honestly? I was feeling a bit like giving up yesterday morning before getting going with the competition. I actually may have started going down a pretty bad path had I not joined up.

So yeah, there's my venting. I'm doing well, but I'm worried about the future. This post has been some good therapy, but I really do know that I'm going to need a lot more before I can arrive at any good place - the place where I can keep the weight off, and the good habits on, and where I get a healthy relationship with food.

We'll see how it goes...

How to kick start your weight loss...

Join a competition.

Seriously. I'm going to do it.

The last one I joined, I lost 84 pounds in 6 months, and I won. It was a good thing for me. The weight loss, that is. But frankly I apparently do anything about my relationship with food.

So this one is going to last 8 weeks, and it's happening through work. I'm hoping to lose between 30 and 40 pounds. It can happen, but it's not what I'm actually wanting from this. I would like to try to reevaluate and fix my relationship with food.

Not sure yet how to do this. But I do know that it's got to happen.

Anyway, I've got my application, and I'm going to fill it out tonight.

-Silas

What to do.

It's been said by someone somewhere that you're never defeated until you give up.

I'd like to think that it's also a fact that even if you give up you can un-give up and start again, and that counts.

I'm counting on it.

Bad bad bad time over the holidays. Good times, that is, but terrible for my health.

I need to think about how to move forward, how to start, how to actually get going with something - how to move forward.

I think that for the moment it is going to have to start with small things that move up to big things.

Exercise first!

Short-term goals:

Get the gym membership - then I need to get a goal together about how many steps per week. Also, pyramids and a little strength training at least 3 days per week

Medium-term goals:

Run a 5K - I'm thinking around April (this will also get me in shape for my Disneyland trip). Pyramids and strength training at least 5 days per week

Longer-term goals:

Run a 10K or half marathon - there's one in June. I don't know if I've got the ability to get to the half, but I know that I can do the 10K. Also start to quantify how to get the long-term strength training and pyramids in.

Food goals second!

Short-term goals:

Stop shopping for anything in the mornings. and start either bringing lunch or getting valid lunch at the cafe. No sugar drinks at all.

Up fruits/veggies to at least 3 per day. Calorie deficit of 500 per day on average.

Medium-term goals:

Up fruits/veggies to at least 5 per day. Calorie deficit of 1250 per day on average.

Long-term goals:

Figure out how to have a good relationship with food. Keep bad habits out gone - no more binge eating and food hiding.

Let's start with that.

So I am also going to put together my spreadsheet again, tracking all of the important things to me - water intake, steps, calories in/calories out, and everything that will help me out. I am going to reward myself for doing well.

How to pay for this? Well, instead of spending WAY too much money on crap food, I'm going to start paying myself way less for doing well.

I think that I just have to do well tomorrow. I really need to start with the the AA mentality - one day at a time.

Will this work? I've got no clue. But I do know that if I don't do it I won't be able to actually enjoy my Disneyland vacation and either diabetes or a heart attack is in the cards, probably within the next 5 years.

I was skinny. But I got fat again. Then I got skinny. Then I got even fatter again. So I guess it's just time to get skinny again.

-Silas